Thursday, January 5, 2017

Dear Ronda,

I've been thinking about you. I'm sitting in my office in my 'Fear the Return' shirt which I just got in the mail yesterday, by the way. (I'm in Canada) Anyhoo, I felt the need to offer some words. The picture is of my daughter Julianna. She's a beauty. She's 10. She's gonna rule the world. And at the beginning of July, she attempted suicide. She was depressed and because of summer, she wasn't really seeing her school friends. Julianna is amazing. She survived a pregnancy. When I was 23 weeks and three days, I went into labour and was medivaced to Toronto. They did stop it only afterwards I was told that if I gave birth, she wouldn't be viable. She was four days from viability. The doctors made me tour the NICU to see what my daughter's future would hold if she was delivered early. I saw babies the size of my open hand struggling to live. But I told the Doctors that they had to do everything for her. Because we come from a family of miracles. We survive. Even we're not expected to.



Fast forward to her being 8 years old and complaining of lower leg pain. She was referred to the pediatrician where she was diagnosed with Ehlos-Danlos Syndrome. She can snap her hips, and rotate her arms so that her hands lay flat like they're not inverted. Since being diagnosed, she's constantly worrying about falling or complaining about pain. She has stage four, which is the one that has the unexplained pain. There's surgery that can fix this. But unfortunately the pain will always be there. Now she's 10 and has fallen in love with cross country running. She can't run fast. But she always competes. Even when she comes in last, she'll finish. Which makes me so proud of her because most ppl won't even bother knowing there's a chance they could fall. But she competes. She's  amazing.



Now she's 10 years old. After her attempt and after spending countless hours on an early Sunday morning calling all these numbers looking for help for my danis (cree word for daughter), I was given numerous numbers and told to call.  There is no help for parents of a child in crisis. It's all for the person in crisis. I refused to take her to the hospital because when I attempted suicide (after a sexual assault) I was medicated with antidepressants. I refused to let that happen to my daughter without a thorough assessment. I called her counsellor and she got in touch with the Hospital for Sick Children in Toronto. We did an assessment and a safety plan until we could meet with the psychiatrist via teleconference. It was at this teleconference that she was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. She wasn't at risk for a re-attempt or that behavior. But her condition plays a part of her diagnosis. She worries. All the time. Worries about falling. Worries about getting hurt and worries about how she'll do. She has weekly behavioral cognitive therapy with her counsellor and she participates in traditional native activities. She got her spirit name. And it suits her perfectly. Her name is "Yellow Sun Rays Breaking Through The Clouds Woman".



Which brings me to you. After her suicide attempt, Julianna felt the shame and guilt. She was embarrassed and she'd pretty much rather not talk about it. But once she saw you on Ellen and you confessed about how you felt, she was no longer ashamed. She realized that she wasn't alone and that if Ronda Rousey could feel that way and come back from it, then she could too. She talks about it now. She no longer ashamed and she's no longer embarrassed about it. And for that I thank you. You will never know the power you gave back to so many people. Julianna feels like she's in the same class as you. That you're bonded thru this invisible line that some ppl attempt to cross and that few succeed in crossing.



So if you must retire, then that's fine. If you must make movies, that's fine too. But I truly believe that you will be successful no matter what you do. If you return to the ring, no matter how long the absence, you will be crowned champion again. Not because of hard work and a shot but because you deserve it. You've known success, you've known failure, you've known desperation. My daughter is amazing. You are amazing too. And no matter your choice, please be assured that you will always have fans that believe in you no matter what and no matter your exit from the spotlight. I wear my shirt proudly. Because I truly believe there will be an ultimate return. You will dominate, you will succeed. Success has no time limit. There's no schedule. Just live in the moment. Cherish it. Go have your babies, go make your movies, go be positive to other ppl that have attempted or even thought about suicide. And once you return to the Octagon, I will be waiting. I'll wear my shirt proudly and I'll be there with my daughter.

Chi-Meegwetch Ronda.

You'll always be number one to us.

video

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Ugh. So much shit and such a small shovel

OMG! So much shit.

I wish I knew where to begin. But I can't.

I feel like I'm fighting so many battles but I just feel like lifting my arms in surrender and giving up.

Why is life is hard.  Or rather.  So unfair?

How come it can't be easy with a set schedule and plans that work out?  Is that too much to ask for?

Why must shit intervene fucking up an already happy life?  Answer me that?  Huh?

Bleh Blah Shit.

All of this will make sense by Friday.

Ugh. Fuck Friday.

Saturday, May 9, 2015

Happy Mother's Day

Some funny cards I found online. Happy Mother's Day. I hope this makes you giggle at least. But don't pee your pants! LoL


Thursday, April 9, 2015

Unemployed

Yup. I'm unemployed. I found out that my position was cut. A few days later an Executive Administrative position was posted at NACCA, our funding agency. What a coincidence. Not. Anyhoo, it's been 9 days since I stopped working and I've been just as busy. I've had my Grandson since the 31st. Holy, I'm back in time. Back to not showering everyday and not being able to do dishes cause Kyrell is such a handful. But such a cutie. I'm totally in love with him. Even if he won't say Granny. :P lol Decided to update while he's sleeping and I have a few minutes to myself. Anyways, I'll update more later. 
My Grandson Kyrell

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

#100beautifuldays

So I came across this article (http://www.yummymummyclub.ca/blogs/ali-martell-from-hemlines-to-heels/20140611/why-women-need-to-say-yes-to-the-camera?=EM&utm_source&utm_medium&utm_campaign) on Twitter, thanks to Erica Ehm of The Yummy Mummy's Club.  Anyways, it was about how women always tend to look at the negative first when looking at pictures of themselves.  Anyways, This woman took daily selfies with her daughter and posted it.  That's when I got the idea.  Why not 100 days?  They have #100happydays.  Why not #100beautifuldays. 

So I issued the challenge to my friends on Facebook.  Take a picture of yourself EVERY day and post it on facebook or twitter.  Somewhere that you will see it.  I, myself, made a facebook album called #100beautifuldays.  So now, each day, I take a selfie (or a pic with my daughter) and I post it.  So far, I'm on Day 8.  And I must say, the pictures are getting easier to look at.  And usually, I glance and I say, "Bleh."

The article itself was inspiring. I would have never thought of that.  And I totally understood the struggle each and every woman goes through. 

So try it.  #100beautifuldays.  Cause we are beautiful.  We just need to see what other people see as opposed to what we think are our worst features. 

Also read this article (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bridgette-white/exposed-by-my-children-for-what-i-really-look-like_b_5613551.html?utm_hp_ref=tw) which just reiterates the theme behind #100beautifuldays.

Anyhoo, till next time.

Muah!

Friday, November 2, 2012

OMG! I'm So Tired!!!

I'm so fricken tired.  Tired of struggling.  Tired of working so hard but no one sees it.  Tired of being under-appreciated at work.  Tired of living off one cheque a month.  Tired of working in a finance position and not getting the finance position starting wage.  Tired that it all revolves around money.  But no worries.  I won't be suffering for long.  (OKAY - STOP RIGHT THERE!  This isn't a suicide note, you morons!)

I look forward to that day when all my struggles disappear.  I don't know if I already told you, but I'm gonna have myself a shitload of money.  I'm gonna be a filthy rich. (And no Johnny...I still ain't buying you a vehicle.  First I will pay for your defensive driving classes and then maybe we'll talk.  Your uncle on the other hand will be enjoying his new Cadillac Escalade which will be all pimped out.  Maybe you can ride with him.)  I won't have to think two months ahead and budget money for Julianna's gymnastics classes.  She'll also be able to get swimming lessons.  Or anything else her little fricken heart desires. 

When I was 12, my dad had a dream that I was driving a red corvette convertable.  When he first told me that, I was like..."Ewwww. Gross...fancy car?!  So not me!"  But then he said, "I think its a sign. I think you're gonna have a lot of money."  Okay der dad!  I dismissed it fast.  Didn't give it another moment's notice.  Until I was 16 and one of my cousins came up to me and told me that he had a dream of me driving a red corvette.  Then I was shocked.  Here was this guy that picked on me my whole life and then he tells me he has this dream about me. That's two.  I don't really know much about signs but usually stuff runs in threes.  Anyone else?  :P lol

I spend most of my time thinking about what I can do for my friends.  Of course, weekend trips with my single parent friends.  Find a sitter.  I don't care if they charge a thousand bucks.  We're going on a trip.  It will most likely end up a shopping spree as we're the kind of parents that can't even enjoy time away from our kids.  We end up missing them, sighing and saying things like, "I so wish my kid was here." But shopping without kids will be awesome too.  LOL Nothing like being away from your kids and coming back with a shitload of stuff for them...lol.

I'm already dreading how to deal with the family members that suddenly pop out of nowhere after not speaking to me for years and then having the audacity to ask me for something.  Seriously?  There's no getting around it.  Just gotta be firm.  Nope.  My sister is one of them.  She keeps saying how she moved to Timmins so she can be closer to our family.  What a crock.  And now she's like...I dunno...she thinks we should support her family just cause she moved here.  Ever dumb.  I have two kids.  I'm a single parent!  I was lucky to get child support for Johnny.  That ain't gonna happen for Julianna and really?  I have to support my sister and her family.  BULLSHIT!  I can't even support my own fricken family.  I live in a place that costs one paycheque!!!  I'm practically a welfare recipient, getting money once a month!  And Christmas is around the corner and since its November and the sales are on, I'm spending money that I shouldn't spend on Christmas.  Last year, I didn't start shopping until the 23rd of December.  Nothing was on the shelves.  The stuff Julianna wanted for Christmas was gone.  Walmart had bare shelves.  This year, I was smart.  I started planning and budgeting in September.  I already have 7 presents wrapped and stashed.  Bring it on Santa. 

I think about building the house I want.  Just a little bit out of town.  So that I'll have a dirt driveway and my clothesline but I'll still be close enough to Timmies and Wal-Mart.  I imagine going grocery shopping and dropping it all off at the Food Bank, which was so kind to me when I needed it when I lived off my childtax after I was done school.  I'd rent the Dante Club for some kind of benefit with all proceeds going to the Lung Association.  I'd drive through the drive through at Timmies and drop $200 on the counter and tell them that I'm paying for the next 20-30 people's stuff.  I'd take one day off work and just drive around town delivering Timmies to my friends...lol  A French Vanilla for Tammy, a double double for Jessica and a steeped tea for Pam.  I'd round up all the kids I know and take them to Kamiscotia for tubing, Mid-Town Bowl for bowling and in the summer time, the Riverside Fun Park for Paintball.  I'd donate $2000 each to Englehart High School, TH&VS and Delores D. Echum Composite School for bursaries.  For the most outspoken determined individual.  Of course, the teachers would do the nominations.  I'd donate money for Ministik School grade 8 trips to Toronto.  I mostly think what I could do for my brother.  He's always been there for me and my kids. I'd go yard-saling with my mom every Saturday morning.  After a big breakfast at Mike's Restaurant with my friends and family.  (When I worked at Beaverhouse Restaurant, the Chilton, Trappers and Spence's would always come in on Saturday mornings and eat breakfast. I always thought that was nice.  Catch up over a meal.)  If Joce still has her 5K, I'd donate generously to that.  I'd sponser an event for GOOP.  And a breakfast.  And Des will get to go to hockey camp every year...lol spoiled brat.

Yes...I think about this a lot.  lol  I also think about how cheap people get the more money.  I don't think it will happen.  I know what its like to be without.  But I also know how it is when people try and take advantage.  If I wasn't able to get free stuff, then why should everyone else.  I don't lend out things cause I don't work hard for everything I have just to let someone get them for free.  Yes, sounds like I'm cheap, but people won't value your possessions the same way you will.  How many times have you lent out a dvd just to have it returned scratched?  See what I mean?  My heart is huge.  I think of what I can do for people.  I'm a giver.  I just don't have much to give right now.  Other than gifts I make...lol Right Tina? 

But yeah...If I disappear and you don't hear from me...I'm probably in Oahu, Hawaii with my kiddies on the North Shore at Turtle Bay Resort.  Or in Ottawa at Cartier Place in the Penthouse Suite, trying to figure out what I'm gonna do. Either way, I'll be surrounded by my kiddies, my brother, my mother, and my neice Miya. And maybe with some friends.  Greta for sure.  We're just gonna take leave from our jobs...lol We won't have to care that we're taking leave without pay!  lol  So yeah, I struggle.  But not for long.  Cause I know that my life is destined for greatness.  All the hurt, sorrow, struggles and tears will pay off.  I'm not saying money makes it alright, but it will sure make it more comfortable! 

Monday, July 30, 2012

In Loving Memory


David Willam Frank Sutherland
June 22, 1939 - July 22, 2012

My Uncle David passed away on Sunday, July 22nd, 2012 at 8:27 p.m.  He was a great man.  A lot of people may have thought different but he always came to visit me when I lived in Moose Factory.  I cried a lot before he passed but I still shed tears when I heard the news.  David couldn't read real well.  When the Government changed the process for driver's license, my uncle went to go get his license right away.  He came over and he sat at the table with my dad while my dad told him what the book said.  They were at it for hours.  Then my Uncle David went home and he said he stayed up all night looking at the pictures.  The next day he went for his G license and he got it right away.  He came to the house to tell us.  He was so very proud.  I always thought of my Uncles.  I always felt bad for moving away because I was worried about who would take care of them.  I always did their taxes and called places for Uncle David.  I always bought them stuff.  I never stop thinking about them.  I always worry, but now I don't have to worry for Uncle David.  He is now reunitied with his siblings, who have gone on before him.  I will miss you Uncle David.  <3