Nightmares

It's been 2 months and 3 days since it's happened.  Life is still standing still.  Sometimes, I get so scared when I'm out in public, because I feel like I'm gonna end up running into him again.  I don't know why he isn't in jail yet.  What did I expect of the police though...like seriously?  They're the highest paid police service but if they actually got paid for the job they do, most would be laid off cause they didn't meet the quota or innocent people would be thrown in jail and charged with bogus charges.  Yeah...You get what you pay for.  In life. and at the stores. 

Never in my life did I think this would happen again.  I thought I was safe and that if it happened to you...it wouldn't happen again.  Man...I was wrong.  I'm glad I didn't bet on it...Otherwise I'd be broke too. 

I'm off work now...Only for a few weeks.  Trying to get a new perspective on things.  I should be concentrating on making myself well, but the nightmares piss me off.  I feel angry.  And the nightmares aren't about what happened, but about things happening to the people I love.  The recent one really got to me.  I woke up crying and held Julianna for a couple of hours.  Why am I having nightmares?  SEriously???  Like what happened wasn't bad enough...now it has to invade my thoughts and my life. 

BLEH!  That's what I think.  Sometimes I'm angry...Sometimes I'm depressed...Sometimes I just don't fucken care.  Sometimes I wish I had a gun so I could just go on a fucken shooting spree and shoot everyone I think deserves to die.  I see woman beaters downtown, fucken whores stealing from innocent people and people who just aren't nice at all.  Now I really shouldn't say things like this...but I'm angry and let's face it...everyone thinks shit like this once in awhile.  Then I picture life without my kids and it hurts to breathe.  SEriously....I gasp for air....its like its them that are keeping me alive.  They live...I live.  It's like a package deal.  I can remember both of them being born...I remember the exact moment.  lol fricken mothers aye....remember everything...lol

I feel better.  I rant and I rave and I just lose my head for a second but my kids always bring me back.  Thank God!  Anyways....calm....and peace....finally feeling it.  I hate feeling these waves of emotions.  It actually pisses me off.  I can be calm and serene one moment and then a thought ends up in my mind and I'll just fucken lose it.  Like Seriously...give me more antidepressents...lol

Anyways....Yeah...I think I'm done now...so yeah.....I'm gonna chill...have some pop...and dream about that jello chocolate pudding oreo pie I'm gonna make tomorrow.  :D  I've probably gained like 15 pounds but like...as if i care!  lmfao  Seriously!!!  Anyways....I'll talk to you later.